Lessons on natural conception in my 40’s:

Like many of us these days, I delayed having kids long past the point conventionally considered ‘peak fertility’, or even, a sensible time to start trying. 

You see, after spending my 20’s getting married, travelling the world, raging against the system, and getting divorced, then my 30's studying anything and everything I could, building my career then burning out, having kids early just wasn’t on the cards. Honestly, I was just too busy looking after everyone else’s kids as a teacher to want my own. 

But then something unexpected happened around 36-37. I guess you could say my biological clock started ticking so loud that I couldn’t ignore it any longer, and before long I’d made an unexpected psychological 180 degree shift towards motherhood. 

For some of us, conceiving a child comes easily and is the most joyful experience imaginable as we share the happy news with our loved ones.

 For others of us, the journey towards motherhood is fraught with monthly disappointment and a gradually dwindling sense of hope that we will one day ever hold our own child in our arms. Social media becomes a place to be avoided as friends’ happy announcements trigger comparison and waves of disappointment.

Take it from me. Trying to conceive for 1 year with no luck can be heart breaking. Trying for 6-7 years can start to feel soul destroying. 

You alternate between optimistically trying everything you can, and giving up, pretending you don’t care either way. It’s not true, by the way. You do desperately care. You just kinda hope you can trick the universe into giving you what you want if you appear to be unattached, in some sort of weird reverse psychology way. Which also doesn’t work.

This came as a shock to me. I didn’t have any reason to be concerned about my fertility. My hormone levels and weight were normal and I didn’t have endometriosis, PCOS, or anything that would affect my fertility. My partner was healthy, didn’t drink, and we ate well. The main factor, I guessed, was our age. And stress. Admittedly there was a lot of that.

I tried it all. Out with the glad wrap, tupperware, perfume, gluten, dairy, sugar, receipts, and alcohol. In with the organic food, naturopathic supplements, meditation and ovulation tracking. I’ve tried all sorts of old-wives and new-age tales like legs up the wall after sex, and visualising my baby during orgasm. We asked for prayer from our parents, even though we are not believers. I even ate a blessed banana as part of an ayurvedic fertility ritual. That was my favourite one.

The only thing we didn’t try was IUI or IVF, given I was too old for the publicly funded rounds (In Aotearoa NZ fertility treatment is government funded until the age of 39). Plus, we were broke. It just wasn’t an option for us.

I learned a few things along the way. You see, you can’t just read a book about getting pregnant. And they don’t teach you this stuff at school. In fact, we were taught exactly how NOT to get pregnant all through school, and if you were lucky enough, at church too (“just don’t do it” was the mantra).

You assume that you just need to have lots of sex around the right time, and it will happen. So many of us are surprised when that doesn’t happen. 

But we shouldn’t be surprised, it’s not our fault, and we are not alone. Global fertility rates are plummeting, and sperm counts have halved in the last 50 years. Lifestyle and environmental factors such as smoking, excessive drinking, diet, exposure to industrial chemicals, stress, electromagnetic radiation, and sedentary lifestyles are all affecting male and female fertility. And for those of us who start trying later in life, we know that as females our fertility starts to decline in our early  to mid 30’s due to declining quality and quantity of our eggs.

When I finally conceived at 41 after 6 years of trying, I was over the moon. When we miscarried 6 weeks later, while devastated, I was still hopeful that if we could do it once, we could do it again. 

Exactly one year later, we conceived again, and we now have a perfect 4 month old boy. 

So what advice would I give someone in their late 30’s or 40’s trying to conceive naturally?

1)Patience, patience, patience.

As Rachel Hunter always says, “It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen”. We live in an instant gratification age, if it doesn’t happen straight away, we want a quick fix. Sitting in the discomfort and uncertainty is really hard, it is not natural at all, but it can be a spiritually rewarding time. And I’ve heard many a story about people who were unsuccessful with IVF, then conceived naturally later on. Go figure.

2) Be open to the mystical. 

Natural conception at 42 influenced my faith in a way that nothing else has. Yes, there is the science to conception, but there is also the mystical miracle that no one can explain. Faith can move mountains. Seeking out prayer, blessings, and rituals, even if not your own tradition, can be life-affirming and open up energy pathways in the reproductive system and in your heart centre. 

3) Alternate between trying and letting go.

My cousin's wife gave me this advice, and it really helped with the mental load. She’d been through 7 miscarriages, and several rounds of IVF, and also had one surprise baby years after the two IVF babies were born, so I figured she knew something. You try as hard as you can one month, track your ovulation, time your sex, eat really well, do all that stuff, then the next month, you just let go and relax. That way, you give your mind and heart a break and get to feel a little more normal in between the planning.

4) Go low sugar.

Yes, there are all sorts of fertility diets you can try. But potentially the most important modification you can make is to seriously reduce your sugar intake. The second time I conceived I was in the middle of a sugar-detox. Our fertility naturopath had given us a bunch of information about how sugar spikes cause hormonal imbalances which can interfere with your fertility so I went cold-turkey for a month. While not easy, I felt great after a week and I do think it made a difference.

5) Relax more

Stress is a modern epidemic, causing any number of health issues and impacting our fertility by disrupting reproductive hormones and interfering with ovulation. I believe stress and workaholism were huge factors to my infertility, so I deliberately sought out gentle activities that would help to down-regulate my nervous system. I replaced more intense forms of yoga and workouts with restorative, hatha and yin yoga. I swam and took saunas once a week or more. I meditated and practised yoga nidra, and I made sure to get a monthly massage. But everyone relaxes differently, so do whatever brings you joy and helps to ground you.

There is SO much noise on the internet and it can be really confusing and stressful to know which advice to follow. At the end of the day, you simply can’t go wrong by following your own intuition. 

You are more powerful than you know yourself to be, and having a vision of becoming a parent for the first time is the perfect start to your creative journey. Hold that vision passionately, but lightly. Visualise your baby. Talk to them as if they were here. Love them. Keep the faith in yourself, and in the universe to fulfill the longing of your heart. 

Blessings to you on your path.

Laura

Here are some resources that personally helped my partner and I:

Mother-well fertility healthcare (specifically, naturopathy): https://www.mother-well.co.nz/

Ayurvedic banana treatment: https://www.vitalveda.com.au/learn/detoxification/banana-purification-dr-raju/

Yoga nidra (Rod Striker): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GazyILpTasA