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I must start this post with a tribute to my late, great nanna Moira Alpe who passed away last Saturday aged 98.
Nanna, you showed me the importance of whānau and social connections for wellbeing. The humble landline, possibly your greatest wellness resource, was ever engaged. And you always told me I worked too hard, I should knock off school at 3, like you used to. Thank you for gifting me your wisdom, your values, and your love. E kore te puna aroha e mimiti mōu e taku māreikura, moe mai, moe mai, okioki atu rā.
As my whānau and I were pouring over old photos in preparation for Nanna’s funeral, what struck me was how much free time my grandparents used to have even during their work years. They got involved in their church communities, local choirs, and theatre groups.
Nanna knew just what everyone was up to ALL THE TIME thanks to her exceptional powers of gossip, her landline, and her keen interest in people. Facebook aint got nothing on my nanna.
When thinking about my parents generation, in the 80’s when we were going to school, there were always tons of parent helpers in the class, or in the tuck shop. I used to love reading books to random parent helpers, we were blessed with their colourful personalities and rich life experience.
These days, you don’t hear of parent helpers in some schools (except the rich ones). Instead, we have underpaid ‘learning assistants’, without whom us kaiako could not do our jobs.
And when I talk to my mates who were the first generation of kura kaupapa Māori students, they were initially taught by generous volunteers. Imagine that, a whole army of reo-speaking volunteers who courageously started an illegal school based on a vision of their mokopuna speaking te reo Māori! Hard to believe that could be possible in 2023, given the incredible time pressures on whānau.
For my grandparents and parents, being involved in their local communities was a big part of their wellbeing, as it still is today for many people. Giving, ‘tukua’, is one of the 5 ways to wellbeing as created by the Mental Health Foundation, and talks about the links between volunteering or carrying out acts of kindness with feeling good and functioning well.
So why is it that even thinking about joining a local choir or theatre group right now makes me feel tired?
What has changed so drastically that we’ve lost the time, resources and energy to be able to engage in these community activities?
Well, I don’t have an economics degree, but it seems pretty obvious that we are all struggling with the rising cost of living. Back in the day my mum took 8 years off teaching to raise us kids. These days, most mums head back to work after 6-12 months of maternity leave, or whenever the payments run out. 8 years seems like a complete luxury now.
Housing today is so much more expensive, with the national average house costing 7.8 times more than the average salary, compared to 2-3 times between the 1960’s and 1980’s. It’s no wonder we are all working so hard to pay the bills.
Another difference is that my parents and grandparents weren’t contactable 24/7 via the cellphone in their pocket or their laptop.
Now, I’m not sure that Nanna was really ever allowed to leave school at 3pm, but she certainly didn’t have emails to respond to or computer work to do at home. When she was at work, she was at work. And when she was home, she was at home.
And just imagine, not having a super computer in your pocket that leaves you literally contactable and connected ALL THE TIME. Imagine how that might free you up to be spontaneous, chat a little longer with the shop person, or just follow the ‘wairua’ or flow of any given moment. To be fully present.
That mental headspace is something that our grandparents and parents took for granted, and it’s something that most of us now long for, however elusive it may seem.
There are a plethora of other reasons why we may feel pressured and unable to give to our local community to the extent we would like, and many of these reasons may feel beyond our control. Commuting to work, kids activities, an unwell or disabled family member, being a solo parent, or living away from family support.
While I don’t have a silver bullet any of these circumstances beyond our control, I do have a few tips that have personally helped me to carve out more headspace and calm in my busy world.
1) Leave your work at work. This is a hard one for ambitious people and self-employed folk, but the firmer your boundaries are, the more present you are able to be at home with your loved ones.
2) Turn all notifications off. The smartphone is an incredible tool, but we want to control the tool, not have the tool control us! If I’m expecting a call or email, I check my emails more frequently and turn do not disturb off. But other than that, Do not disturb is my best friend.
3) Get an old school alarm clock. Best investment ever! That first hour in the morning after waking is my sacred Laura time, and should not be interrupted by the outside world via my phone.
4) Instead of Netflix, play a game. My partner and I recently had covid, and discovered a new love for Monopoly Deal. Chatting, laughing and making fun of each other was such a nice way to connect and relax together.
5) Leave your phone at home sometimes. Be like Nanna, pretend your phone is a landline and has to stay at home while you are out on a walk, or down the road. While this may be panic inducing for some, not having my phone at times allows me to more fully experience the moment, wherever I am.
My hope for us all as we head into the ‘silly season’, is that we may be more present with ourselves, and with the ones we love. Yes, we may have impossibly long to-do-lists, but in the midst of all the busyness, may we find pockets of sweet, quality time to laugh, love, rest and relax.
Nā Laura